Healthy Mindset Miracles
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Healthy Mindset Miracles
Ep.019 - Love, Parenthood, and Resilience with Byron and Margaret
Episode_019
Have you ever wondered what it's like to transform a high school crush into a 26-year-long marriage filled with resilience, love, and community? Join us on this episode of Healthy Mindset Miracles as we welcome Byron and Margaret from the Beyond I Do podcast. Their journey from teenage sweethearts to adoptive parents of four, including a teenager and her child, is nothing short of inspiring. Their story highlights the power of friendship in building a lifelong partnership and the importance of mutual admiration and unwavering commitment.
Byron and Margaret shed light on the challenges they faced marrying young and growing up together while managing the complexities of marriage and parenthood. From adjusting habits and managing conflicts to developing effective communication strategies, they share the ups and downs of their relationship. Their practical advice, such as writing letters to avoid heated arguments and ensuring disagreements didn’t happen in front of their children, is invaluable for couples navigating similar paths. Late-night discussions about finances and intimacy showcase their dedication to maintaining a strong foundation, even during the toughest times.
In this heartfelt episode, we also explore how moments of emotional vulnerability can strengthen marital bonds. Byron and Glenn discuss their personal growth into manhood and how their upbringings influenced their relationships. The emphasis on patience, understanding, and the willingness to work through challenges together serves as a testament to the enduring power of love. Don’t miss out on the introduction to our book, "Unlocking Forever: 10 Keys to a Successful Marriage," and be sure to visit beyondidopodcast.com for more resources and upcoming coaching services. This conversation is filled with wisdom, practical tips, and profound reflections that will resonate with anyone committed to building a strong, supportive relationship.
Contact:
www.beyondidopodcast.com
Book - Unlocking Forever: 10 Keys to a Successful Marriage.
YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@beyondidopodcast
Thank you for tuning in to this empowering episode of Healthy Mindset Miracles." We hope you found inspiration and insight into the journey of redefining your mindset.
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Stay tuned for more episodes where we continue to explore the path to healing and well-being. Until we meet again, may you discover a healthy mindset in your life. 🌟
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We in there.
Speaker 2:All right. Welcome to Healthy Mindset Miracles. I am so excited Today we actually do a couple podcasts and it's Glenn and I and Byron and Margaret that are doing this podcast together. And Byron and Margaret are a couple that we have come to love and endure and endearing it. Just because we've met with them multiple times, we've been able to have great conversations. It seems like we're made from the same mole in some sense.
Speaker 2:So Byron is a hardworking, loving husband and father who enjoys building things, music and motorcycles, just like Glenn. Margaret is a creative, dedicated wife and mother who enjoys reading, crocheting and learning new things, just like me. And together Byron and Margaret co-host the Beyond I Do podcast. On their podcast, they share the ups and downs of their journey and how they have successfully navigated over 26 years of marriage. As self-proclaimed lovers of love, byron and Margaret have made it their mission to encourage, uplift and inspire others to create and maintain loving, committed relationships by sharing their personal stories of love, grief, joy and everything in between, and we're going to talk about that today. Byron and Margaret, welcome so much to Healthy Mindset Miracles. I'm so excited to have you guys here.
Speaker 3:Thank you, thank you for having us.
Speaker 4:That's a wonderful introduction. I'm looking around.
Speaker 3:Right Thank you for having us we of course, are looking forward to seeing you guys again and getting to talk to you and catch up, so we're glad to be here.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. You guys have been doing an incredible thing about helping so many other couples. I know that we've had some amazing conversations with you guys about marriage, relationships, family, things that have gone on. Let's start from the very, very beginning, Like how did you guys meet? Let's just talk about that real quick.
Speaker 4:That's a funny story.
Speaker 3:So I had a crush on his friend and I honestly I mean I recall the first time we met, but I was, I was there, I was, I was interested in his friend and we were still in high school at the time. Throughout the years we kept in touch, his friend and I. That didn't work. His friend was trying to get over a breakup, so that didn't work. But our friend groups hang hung out together and we kept in touch and we just became really good friends and we would hang out and I went off to school and when I would come home I would call and we would hang out and we were just really good friends for probably about five, five and a half years.
Speaker 3:And then I decided I was moving home to finish school and I don't know. I came home that December and I said you know I'm moving back. I asked him do you want to help me move? He helped me move back and from then on helped me move back and from then on we've just been together. It just kind of evolved. There was never any proclamation of a relationship. We just kind of started hanging out and then we were joined at the hip.
Speaker 1:So wonderful.
Speaker 4:The flip side of that is, both of us liked each other, but we were too pig headedheaded to admit it. So it was like you know both of us would drop what we were doing. She would come in town and call me. I was even in a relationship and I risked it all to spend time with my friend because that was my friend and even my ex.
Speaker 4:she was like that ain't no friend, y'all like each other. I was like that's my friend. I didn't want to tell her the truth. When she contacted me about moving back, I was like it's now enough.
Speaker 3:that was my plan so I planned this just to get my stuff moved back.
Speaker 4:I know I had to make sure that you know I was going to be around her as much as I could, and we started hanging out every day. Hey, what you going to eat today? You got a job, job. I'm like, hey, what you going to do when you get off. Let's go hang out. That was it.
Speaker 2:And then you became inseparable.
Speaker 3:We did. We call 1997 the year it all changed. I moved back in January of 1997. And by December of 1997, we were married on the 13th and had our son on the 20th.
Speaker 2:Wow, wow, that is amazing. Now, how many children do you guys have?
Speaker 4:We have four.
Speaker 2:You have four, are they?
Speaker 4:still in school.
Speaker 2:Are they older now? Yes, are they still in school? Are they older now?
Speaker 3:So we have. We have two birth children, and when our youngest birth child was about two and a half or three, we started the process to adopt. We adopted a teenager. She is now 34. Wow, 34., Wow she. She had had a rough childhood and so the adoption was. It was rough and she had run away at 16. And, um, at 21, we received a phone call and she said I want to come home and I have a baby. And so we picked her up, brought her home. She was not ready to be a mom, so we ended up adopting the baby. She stayed in touch. Once she got herself together, she stayed in touch and the youngest would go and spend summers with her and holidays. And finally, when the youngest was about eight, she said I think I'm ready now.
Speaker 3:And so she's with her now and she is, she's 14, 13. She's 13 now, so she's been with her since she's eight. So we're semi empty nesters. The two birth children are with us now, but they're adults and it's. I mean, it's been a journey I also, I teach, and so along the way we have a few of my students who we have kind of pulled into the fold and we refer to them as our God children. And they're still. They're adults, but they'll still call mom and pop for advice or help or what have you.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:So wonderful. It's funny that things come together when you aren't even looking, like you guys. You weren't even looking and you were interested in someone that you were looking at, and then, all of a sudden, here you come together.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:Look at you today. That's such a wonderful story.
Speaker 3:We do that Sometimes. We look at each other and I'm like can you believe that Right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, we do the same thing. We look at each other and like, wow, and it's not about the timeframe with us.
Speaker 1:It's seven years coming up that we've been married, but to look at each other, knowing what transpired in our lives and brought us to this point, right, it's just wow yeah.
Speaker 4:Right, I just remember Tanisha saying that I couldn't stand him.
Speaker 1:It still happens every other day.
Speaker 4:I don't see why she says that every now and then now.
Speaker 2:That brings me to my next question. So one of the things that I always talk to people about, because people always say to us I really would like to have a marriage, I'd really like to be able know, be able to love somebody like you, to love each other. And I tell them all the time our relationship has been work. You know everything that we've done. From the very beginning it has been work. Like the first six months we were together, we almost got a divorce, but we had to learn how to communicate. Have you guys experienced that as well? Like, what kind of things have you guys worked on from the very beginning of your relationship to help you grow stronger to the point that you are today?
Speaker 3:We had.
Speaker 4:We had our trials because we were married so young, I think I know, for we talked about this recently. You know, both of us were like 22, 23, and we were just experiencing adulthood.
Speaker 4:So you know, you have those things that you desire to do. You know, and we planned to be together, but you know we were supposed to have children later on down the line, but that didn't happen. The and we planned to be together, but you know we were supposed to have children later on down the line, but that didn't happen the way we planned. So it was like trying to, you know, navigate just to being an adult, then being husband and wife, and then being parents at the same time, right.
Speaker 4:So we had our. You know typical. You know well, you need to put the seat down, you put the seat up, you know you need to seat up, you know those types of things. And then you know we had our. We didn't really fight a lot, it was just discussions.
Speaker 3:Right that's been the biggest thing is, I think, because we're such good friends and that friendship has been the foundation. So there are times when, of course, there are certain things with couples that it's uncomfortable to discuss. It's uncomfortable Money is one of the big ones Right, Type of sexual thing, like those things are difficult to discuss, but for one we had a comfort because we're friends. And then another thing is we just decided very early that, like I said, we ended up having our son a week after we got married, and so I think it was about October of 97, where we had to sit down and think, okay, are we going to co-parent, are we going to be together?
Speaker 3:And once we made the decision that we're going to be together, okay. Well then, if we're going to make that decision, then we've got to make this work. So we learned how to have hard conversations, and sometimes it doesn't start with talking, sometimes it starts with a text, or writing each other a letter, whatever is necessary to get those things taken care of and addressed so that we can move forward.
Speaker 4:And something that just came to mind. I know one of our earlier issues and I'll just use this as an example.
Speaker 4:I would come home from work and I had to have me a beer when I come home from work every single day. And you know, when I was single, yeah, that's what I did. So we had a discussion. It was like you can't just drink every day and, you know, be not attentive. We have a baby running around. So you know, at first I'm like I can do what I want to do. I'm a man.
Speaker 1:But then I had to realize you know what?
Speaker 4:you're also a father too, so I had to cut back on those things. You know what I'm saying. It's just certain, you know, going to hang out with the guys you know had to learn that, you know you can't stay out two, three o'clock in the morning. You know, trying to hang out with the guys, you need to bring your butt home at a decent time. You know it's just things like that. You know those those growing pains, you know.
Speaker 4:And, like I said it was, you know those those growing pains, you know. And like I said it was, you know we had our discussions. Of course, I would get mad, I'd think about it. Yeah, you're right, and I just had to lead with the action and you know we worked through those things and here we are.
Speaker 2:Yeah, in your discussions. Were they conversations that you both were open to sharing with each other, or was there some heated conversations, I know, with him and I? When I said we first got a divorce, or almost got a divorce, the first six months we were together, it seemed like it was always in the car. For some reason we would be in the car and we would get into a discussion and of course you can't. You know, you're stuck in a little box.
Speaker 2:Right you keep running to the other room, so you either, hash it out, or you know, and so a lot of times there was a lot of yelling in our part. And we had to realize later on that we weren't listening to each other. We weren't hearing what each other were saying during those heated conversations, which ultimately was causing a lot of challenges for us. But we learned, and so is that something you guys had learned early on about. You know, the conversation of listening to one another and understanding what the person's thoughts and feelings were.
Speaker 3:Right, I think that's what the where the writing would come in. Yeah, because then you can get it all out without being interrupted or, you know, you can get it all out without twisting the words of yourself you know you can get it all out, without twisting the words of yourself.
Speaker 3:We also my upbringing was very chaotic, and so I had to learn that conflict was OK. So and it kind of helped us, because I can't, I don't let things linger Like I need to know that we're okay, but we just now the flip side of that is the defense said that I had to, you know, sit back and think OK, I can't do that, because once you say it, you can't unsay it, and there again, the writing comes in into play and helps with that. So I think that a combination of understanding each other individually and then working towards making sure we're doing what it takes to maintain a healthy relationship and one of the things that we've learned well because of her background.
Speaker 4:We just stated that we would have our discussions amongst ourselves. Try not to have arguments and disagreements in front of the kids. Sometimes discussions would be after they go to bed late at night.
Speaker 3:And built in calm down time.
Speaker 4:You're calm, it's like right before bed.
Speaker 1:So even if you go to the garden because I got to get up tomorrow.
Speaker 4:So you know that's how we navigate through a lot of those issues. And I mean there were times where we might go a day or two without just hey, one word, see you later. For the most part, we just tried to make sure, as the scripture says, don't let the sun go down on your anger.
Speaker 2:We tried to do that as much as possible. Yeah.
Speaker 4:Life is short.
Speaker 2:As a woman. For me and you, margaret you brought up, you were, you had a rough upbringing and I did too. So you know, like I said, we're made from the same mold, almost it seems like. But I came with a lot of emotional baggage and insecurities, you know, just and I those things still creep up. I just had one of those outbursts this week actually. But the thing is is that I am gotten to an age now where I'm okay with sharing those things, because I know that those experiences that I've gone through has to be a reason for them. But also I know that I've grown through them because what happened. Now I it's easier for me to um get through them. But what's even more amazing to me is how he's learned how to help me get through them.
Speaker 4:Yes.
Speaker 2:That's incredible to me. So, and what I mean by emotional outbursts or insecurities? Did you ever like say things like well, you, I don't, you don't deserve me, or I don't deserve you, or maybe you should be with somebody else, Maybe I'm not the right one for you?
Speaker 3:I went a step farther and I told him who he should be with. Yeah, I was told I had the person picked out yeah um I'm like, is she trying to uh auction me off?
Speaker 3:but that's, that's definitely like not feeling like I deserved him and and, like I said, I had the person picked out and then for a long time I never said anything to him about that person specifically, because I'm like that's going to be awkward when we're around her. But I, you know, and I would give him all of these reasons why someone else even if it's not this person specifically, but why someone else is a better fit for him or why he deserves someone better.
Speaker 3:And that's actually something like I had to work with my therapist on, and the idea of deserving is not a thing, it just is. And so and I still, I still struggle with that from time to time, like you said, the self-esteem issues and things like that. But I'm just, I'm so thankful that throughout all of this, I started therapy maybe about three or so years ago. I started therapy maybe about three or so years ago, so there was a lot that I went through by myself processing and getting better little by little. But there was a time when, like, he had to almost ask permission to touch me because I had gone through and he didn't know what specifically I mean no specifics, but he could, you know, guess something is not right. So I'm so thankful that he was. He gave me that space and that grace to move through those things and he was there supporting me through that and that he didn't look at the other person and say you know, I think you're right.
Speaker 4:But you know that was one of the things that has helped tremendously for us was her. I know she had to feel comfortable telling me these things that happened in her past, so that when I did get a cold shoulder I understood where it was coming from. Well, it's not me, because you know, first thing you think is well, what did I do wrong, Is it?
Speaker 4:me or does she love me? Does she really care about me? You have those thoughts that go through your head, especially in time of rejection, when you realize that it's not you. It's this trauma that happened to me as a child that something triggered. You know whether it was a TV show or whether it was something that was said in a discussion. And now I realize, okay, it's that. So you know I had to learn, you know I had to adapt to that and say, okay, well, I'm going to help her get through these issues. I'm not going to respond negatively, because I know the negative effect could also say you know what? I ain't going to say nothing else to you.
Speaker 3:You could send me into defense mode, and that's not good either.
Speaker 2:Another spiral moment.
Speaker 1:That's so deep it really is, because it could go many different ways, and I'm thankful that I realize that I need to bite my tongue in these situations too, because the first thought that comes to my mind, I've found that even the second thought usually isn't still the right one to say so.
Speaker 1:The third one typically is, but when she did that exact same thing that you were just saying, margaret, and that's why she was laughing, because you said you went a step further and she wasn't trying to come to that yet, but you talked about that step further.
Speaker 1:So she did the same thing and to me I started thinking that it's kind of a selfish lack of confidence on her part and to me that's selfish for her to put someone else in her position, for me. And we talked about that and she didn't comprehend that at first. But we came to the point that where we both I began to understand what I said because that's what I felt, and then, after thinking about it, I said that because I want to help build her confidence. You know, and part of that typically comes from just not being where one wants to be. Yet Like she's tried, she's strived and thrived and and still hit walls and stuff, and it kind of knocks her back and makes her kind of rethink some things and then in a negative moment those feelings just compound. But we work through it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Absolutely, and I was just. That is so funny that you said that, because literally he's right. I wasn't going to bring that up, but I did. I had. I had showed him a picture of another girl and I was like you know, see this girl like she's going for her, she's not emotional like I am.
Speaker 4:I'm trying to imagine going up to this female and like look, my wife said it, so we got to make this work. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:There's my chance.
Speaker 3:And it's amazing how, in my mind, as I'm thinking it, it makes perfect sense. But then here I mean, it does sound a little odd.
Speaker 4:She'd be like both of y'all crazy, both of y'all, stay with me.
Speaker 2:Right. But I'm glad we're talking about this because I know I can imagine there's other women that feel the same way or go through the same emotional issues and emotional challenges of that. You know, there's a lot of women out there who are happily married, who have been through trauma in their life and a lot of times that trauma, like you said, I pushed so hard that sometimes those moments happen. It's a matter of when are we going to stay in those moments? Now I did for an entire day.
Speaker 2:I spent a day in bed, crying all day long, because I was just so frustrated with myself first of all, but I was also frustrated with just so many aspects and unfortunately, when that happens, the closest person to you is the one that you lash out to, and that happens to be your spouse. And the beautiful thing of that episode was we've been through so much that he knew exactly how to help get me out of it. First of all, he gave me my space, he allowed me to cry it out and then he would come and check on me. But then he would give me positive affirmations throughout the day, even though I didn't want to hear them, he would still do that and I felt like, wow, how much has he grown to be able to help me through these these?
Speaker 2:I mean, it's rather embarrassing to even talk about it, but I feel like it's important that we do because I want other women that are listening to know that they're. I feel like it's important that we do because I want other women that are listening to know that they're not alone and it's not. You know it's not.
Speaker 2:It's not okay that we go to that, go through that, but it is okay to go through it you know because you learn through it, and I think for me, like once I got over my hissy fit, the next morning I woke up before he did and I started reading a book that gave me the positive mindset. I put an app on my phone to help me with affirmations daily, you know, just to try to change the direction of where I'm going and what I'm doing, and that really helped, but I want to ask Byron, and I'm going to ask you too, glenn, so the two of you can answer this question.
Speaker 1:You first.
Speaker 2:He said you first, byron, as a husband, when you're looking at your wife in those moments of weakness and you know that she is so strong, what is going through your mind as needing to be the leader of the home to help her? Like I want to know from a man's perspective, like what do you guys think and do you ever have moments like that?
Speaker 4:Okay, us real men. The first thing that comes to mind is how can I fix this? How can I fix this right now? How can I make things better for you? And I know that there were times where I realized I couldn't just say something to make things better. I knew I had to allow her to go through the emotions. So I'm here for you. I'm here for you because I just want it fixed. I want you to stop crying, I want you to be happy, I want you to have a good day with me. You know so. I think you know. That's why I'm such a good mechanic, because, you know, I used to go out there and tinker while she would go through it and I was like I'd be like tell someone to fix it.
Speaker 4:You want to fix things. You want to fix because, like she said, she'd been through a lot growing up. I didn't go through those things. I had my traumas, don't get me wrong, but the type of upbringing that she had was way different than mine. It was the opposite. So it's like you know, but I, that upbringing taught me to be understanding and to know that there are going to be trials. There are going to be, you know, tribulations. You just work through those things. So I had the patience to say, ok, she's dealing with this. I'm going to allow her to do what she needs to do, but I'm going to be back in an hour. I'm coming in, you all right, good, okay, all right, I'm going to go back out here. Come back in another hour, you all right? You good Okay. You hungry? You know what I'm saying. Help with those issues. I mean that's, that's all I know to do, right?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Great answer.
Speaker 1:And that's kind of what I do too. I check the temperature of the room as I walk in Right. Exactly Like you said. I didn't have those challenges either. Really, I did see them a lot in my dad's many relationships and how he dealt with it, and that's what I learned from and, thankfully, you know, it was in my forties when I actually started getting around a real man's man, like you were saying. First of all, I'm a man and that's what I've become, and it took until I was 40, honestly, and that's embarrassing to admit, but it's just kind of the way it was. I worked hard, I took care of my business, everything was taken care of, but still I was like wondering, am I a man yet? Because I didn't have anything to reflect myself against.
Speaker 4:Honestly, yeah, and I can't say that. I mean, you know, my father was, you know, a phenomenal guy, wonderful. He taught me how to be a man. I had a great example in my grandfather also. I saw how they handled things and that's what helped me understand. Don't get me wrong. Now I'm still 25, 27. Am I a man yet?
Speaker 3:I'm 50 trying to figure out.
Speaker 4:This really a dog? Am I a man?
Speaker 3:yet Is this what we were striving for as kids?
Speaker 1:Yeah, pretty wild. It kind of gives me chills thinking of that, and thankfully I'm not the only one either. It just happens in stages, depending on, typically, what we go through or what we're even ready to see or want Exactly. And I've also taken up not only asking, of course, what can I do to fix this, but also mentioning to her too that it's also my fault because I could have approached it differently.
Speaker 1:I could have said, said it differently, I could have reworded, switched some words around and offered what it is that I'm feeling or thinking and want to experience or, whatever the case may be, offer it in a different way so that it's received a little better into her ears and her eyes or, you know, in her heart as well. And there's many different pluses and benefits that come out of these situations. Not only can we help one another, and our progeny and friends too, along the way because of the experiences that we did go through and work through, instead of just shutting them down and walking away. Our progeny also see us work through these things, and I never got to see my dad and mom work through nothing Separate ways, and but our progeny to be able to see that it causes their foundation to be that much stronger Right and that was, you know, with me.
Speaker 3:I didn't see that, and so sometimes I have to sit back and I'm amazed at myself because I didn't see, I didn't have a consistent example of a relationship. I had extended family that I would see here and there, but I mean with my parents at 16, when my mom said we're leaving for good, I didn't care where we were going, just let's go. So I the fact that for us, getting married so young and still being together, like sometimes that's the thing. I sit back and go.
Speaker 3:I was able to be functioning for this long.
Speaker 1:Bliss, no doubt.
Speaker 3:And have a relationship that looks nothing like anything that I saw growing up Out of 26 years, six of it you actually had therapy.
Speaker 4:No, six years, not that long Just no. Well, you've been going about the last three years.
Speaker 3:Yeah, about three and a half. Yeah, 23 years without therapy.
Speaker 4:But you know, one of the things that we did have is we had we were a part of a church that was a very tight-knit family, and so we had other couples that were older than us, had been married longer than us, so we had those out, those people, to encourage us. You know, I was real tight with the guy and she was real tight with the one. Matter of fact, they're still our brothers and sisters to this day and we see them, we call them, we talk to each other and just having those positive reinforcements, like to see them and to be able to talk to them.
Speaker 4:And hey, I'm going through this. You know how do I navigate this. That also helped us as well.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 4:Keep. Keep ourselves together because you know, at the end of the day, ourselves together, Because at the end of the day, she's my friend. I don't want to lose my friend. That would be an awkward life. I'm sitting up here trying to think of now how people do it. I don't know how they do it. I don't imagine how they do it.
Speaker 1:But I can't sit there.
Speaker 4:My friend sitting over there. We didn't come to the function together, but we got a kid together. So how do we?
Speaker 3:you know what I'm saying, Like.
Speaker 4:I don't, I don't really want to experience that. So that's what kind of keeps me like, hey, I need to learn to do what I need to do to make sure that we hang in together yes, and sometimes our progeny's only hope is seeing what we're building together and making it work at all costs
Speaker 4:yeah, gosh and also other examples of people that we know who went through a marriage or whatever that didn't make it right and you know when they tell their stories it's like, yeah know, I want to go through all that, right, imagine trying to try to date now.
Speaker 2:Yes, I listen to my girlfriends who talk about their their single lives and you know how difficult it is in the dating world and I get off the phone and I'm like I am so thankful I don't have to deal with that. It's not something that I would ever. If I had to be single today, I would not ever date.
Speaker 3:It's scary. So our daughter is 23 and she's like mom, and she's like mom I'm never going to find what you and dad have. I'm just not going to marry. So she had her first serious relationship and they broke up and then she went into this little moment. So she struggled with that. But I told her, I said you know, you have to keep in mind. But I told her, I said you know, you have to keep in mind, we were young, that doesn't set the bar, though. Let people grow up.
Speaker 1:You grow up, you have these experiences, and then when you're more mature when they're more mature, then maybe you know it'll be easier, but she said, I can't find what y'all have. Well, it makes me think of the fact that I've seen we are alike or will be alike the five people we hang around, and we hang around ourselves the most. So we really should be working on ourselves.
Speaker 2:That's exactly what I was about to say, Because that's what I tell my friends all the time. I'm like you know you really should focus on working on yourself and getting to your goals and things that you want for your life, and while you're doing that, Mr Right will show up you know during that time you'll track the things that you're wanting the most in your life.
Speaker 2:But if you're, if that's all you're focusing on, you're going to go through a lot of frogs and a lot of waves and you're not going to be, you're not going to be ready for that person that you want in your life. Like I have a friend that so badly wants to be married, but she's her mindset's not there, and I'm like well, unless you change your mindset, you're not going to find that so, and um, and she understands that, you know a lot of them understand that.
Speaker 2:But it's like how bad do you really want it? How bad do you? And if you want it bad enough, you need to prepare yourself for it.
Speaker 4:Right for us for eight like 10 years, eight to 10 years, something like that and uh, she went and got a part-time job at walmart I guess she met her husband at walmart, I mean like you said, she started to work on um herself herself, work on helping others and stepping outside of her comfort zone and that's where she decided she was going to go get a part-time job.
Speaker 3:But I I commend anyone who is on the dating scene and and searching for someone, because I know that it's. It's a lot, yes it is.
Speaker 2:But I also think, whether you're married or you're single, you should still continue to work on yourself and still.
Speaker 3:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 2:You know, and for us it's, we work on ourselves separately and we work on ourselves together. And if there's an imbalance like if I'm the imbalance and I know I need to step up more in affirmations, positive thoughts and thinkings and doing and things for myself so that I can be better for him, and then you know same for him. You know he's got things that he's got to work on and then when we come together we work on those things together, because if I'm broken, how can I work on something with him and how can you work on something with me? So we both have to come together in a positive balance is the way I see it, and if she's broken then I'm kind of stuck.
Speaker 3:I can't move forward because I'm not going right, right and that's and that's how it should be. I think that a lot of couples um are missing that, like you, you work on, but you don't leave your spouse behind and you certainly don't work on yourself. Leave your spouse behind and then turn around and criticize your spouse.
Speaker 4:I got to break the way. You don't have to Right so that support.
Speaker 3:Like I said, that support as I was going through my healing and before therapy, I knew that repressed memories existed, but I really didn't know if it was real until I ended up in our bedroom in the fetal position because I had these memories come back to me. And so to have that support there as I'm going through all of these things, and he's not saying you know, ok, I'm going to give you until this time to be fixed or else. And he's not saying well, that happened when you were a kid, so it shouldn't matter now, you know, to have that support that helped me and that also motivated me to be better, because I want to live up to what he's, what he's given me. You know, right, I want to live up to that. So it's like you, you build and whatnot, because you have each other to lean on.
Speaker 4:And those things, those things will come up and it's OK to you know, you sit there one minute, you're happy, and then the next thing, you know you just get quiet.
Speaker 3:that's okay, that's fine, that's just part of dealing with things yeah yeah, and it's a go ahead ask him if he was talking about me it's a choice, like you were saying, margaret.
Speaker 1:It's a choice to let things go, but sometimes they surfaced for a purpose to work it out, because there may be something else in the midst that that surfacing could also help, right, and that could have came all the way from the bottom of your foot. We never know where these pains are hiding out. And then if this comes up. It doesn't have to be in our memory bank, but yeah.
Speaker 4:Well, and the thing is too like, if it does come up, you know the growth is whereas you know before it would come up, you might be mad for an entire day. Well, your growth is now. You're only mad for five minutes. 10 minutes, yeah, we carry on with our day, you know, because at the end of the day, we got to focus on, you know, being happy with each other.
Speaker 1:That's going to come up.
Speaker 4:I've been sitting out there before working on the car and didn't think of something. I was messed up. Why did I do that? You know what I'm saying and it's just working the process you know in your head.
Speaker 2:Well, it's also having the strength to be able to say, hey, can I talk to you? I'm really sorry for the things that I said and what.
Speaker 3:I've done.
Speaker 2:you know, please forgive me, and I'm working on that mindset I'm working on that to not make that happen again. But I just want you to know that I recognize that there was a challenge, I recognize that I had done wrong and you know, I'm just. I'm coming to you as your friend, as your lover, to say I'm really sorry, you know, I think that that's a huge thing as well.
Speaker 2:But then, on the other side, it's the forgiveness part, like you know if I come to him and say I'm really sorry and he says I forgive you. I already forgave you. You know, we're moving forward and, you know, let's make the best of it. You know that's to me coming together and being strong.
Speaker 2:Right Not dwelling on the past or saying, well, you did say this and it hurt my feelings, but you know, I think that we had that conversation where he said something to me and it really, really bothered me, but he didn't mean it in the way that I took it. But I I have a tendency that if I don't understand it, I will push and, push and push until I understand it, and then he doesn't understand why I don't understand it. I understand it, and then he doesn't understand why I don't understand it.
Speaker 2:And he tries to explain it to me about 500 times and I still don't get it and you know, but it's his patience with me and helping me understand it. Or coming to the terms of you know that the mindset behind it is what matters the most. So you guys wrote a book called Unlocking Forever 10 Keys to a Successful Marriage. We have just a few more minutes left on this episode, but I wanted to talk about that book. A lot of the things that I'm certain that we talked about so far are in your book, Am I correct?
Speaker 4:Yes it is.
Speaker 3:So when we started, we started our podcast, the first 10 episodes were about our relationship. So we talked about how we started, we talked about our current situation and we talked about money, parenting, and so when we sat down to write the book, we looked at those 10 episodes and decided to use those as the outline for the book. And so in each section we talk a little bit about ourselves and how those things apply, but then we give you know information as to how others should look at those at those topics to create the relationship that they, that they choose. And it's not about outside influences, it's not about what this person does or says. It's about really what the two of you are comfortable and happy with. And so after each section, and so after each section, there's an action key that you work on with your partner and that helps you just be on one accord with your relationship.
Speaker 2:That is so beautiful. I absolutely love it. You guys have a website called beyond I do podcast dot com and I'm going to show that here for our people who are watching. There you go and that is where they would go to get information about your book, get information about your YouTube channel and your podcasts all in one, correct.
Speaker 3:Yes, yes and soon. Our coaching yes.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's exciting. I love that. I absolutely love that. So give us, you know, just about three tips that you two would 100% share with a married couple. And let's talk about a new married couple. I know that we're kind of veterans now. You guys are veterans in marriage, but there's probably a few people that are new in the marriage. What would be the three main things that you would tell them on their wedding day?
Speaker 4:The first one is keep everybody else out of your dang business.
Speaker 3:Amen to that.
Speaker 4:Whether it's mama, daddy, whatever mama and be like. Well, he made me mad last night because of this. Well, mama knows that you're mad. After y'all phone mama, y'all have a discussion, y'all cool. The next day y'all going to mama's for dinner. You ain't told mama that y'all made up. Mama looking at him crazy when he go to dinner like you made up, unless you know she's throwing your food on the plate. All crazy. You get a little taste.
Speaker 2:Well, you can even go a step further, and I've said this before If you tell a friend or a cousin, whoever, and they are going to go and try to squeeze their way in because they want a part of your relationship, and they'll go and tell your spouse what you said. He said. She said to try to drive that wedge in between you, even though you've already figured out how to work it through. You got somebody else trying to go.
Speaker 2:Well, do you know that she said this about you, or she did that or I know this secret, you know, and I just I feel like and he's said it to me before, hey, if you don't understand me, go talk to him. Like I don't talk to nobody about our business, like what's between you and me and you. I don't talk to anybody because I feel like I've learned that from a past relationship I had, where I did go to other people and it only backfired on me.
Speaker 1:And such a thing as that, speaking to others about certain things, there's no telling how they perceive it or receive it, and that just compounds on a frequency of negativity.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:It's got to be in an area where we can grab all of those frequencies and turn them into something great Right right and being at the same time y'all done with this situation.
Speaker 4:It ain't come because that you told me a month ago. How did y'all work out through this situation?
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 4:Number two.
Speaker 3:What's two Exactly?
Speaker 4:Number two what's two? Number two is definitely focus on like. You have to focus on like because you have to like your partner. Like is to me, to us, over love, because you love mama, you love daddy you love kids but you don't want them on you and around you all the time.
Speaker 4:You know certain relationships. You're like they're good for about an hour. They got to go. You know your partner. You have to like them. You have to like them in order to be able to sit there and deal with discussion after discussion, deal with their trauma, deal with those issues. You know if you don't like them. That's where the disconnect comes from.
Speaker 3:And the last one I'd say is to put the relationship first, and sometimes that means putting self aside and doing what's best for that relationship. It's almost like a third party that's there, and so there are times when I am in my feelings and I want to do this and I want to say this because I need to say this and I need you to hear this. But if it's not going to be what's best for that relationship and for the wellbeing of that relationship, then I need to stop. I need to process and figure out how I can communicate that in a way that doesnbeing of that relationship. Then I need to stop. I need to process and figure out how I can communicate that in a way that doesn't hurt that relationship.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. Those are really great tips. Thank you, guys. So so much. Now one more question For those that have been married for a long time and they've kind of figured out communication. They figured out how to like their spouse, they figured out how to keep their information to themselves. You know what do they do to keep their relationship going hot.
Speaker 1:Asking for somebody else.
Speaker 4:You know, we found great success in reflecting. We felt like it was beginning days, you know, reflecting on the beginning, when you guys could keep your hands off each other. Talk about because I think that you know you go through those moments and you don't realize how the other person is feeling at that time. So, it's like talk about those things. I mean, we sat up there, we were what was it New?
Speaker 1:Orleans, new Orleans.
Speaker 4:And we sat there in the hotel and talked for three, four hours about how we felt at this stage, you know, and that just brought us so much closer to understand, okay. Well, dang, you was thinking the same thing, Right? I was thinking about this, Right. And then sometimes too, you can break down some of those times where you did have disagreements. Well, let me tell you about this is how I really felt.
Speaker 3:Because you know, of course, again you're macho, You're like man.
Speaker 4:Look, you ain't going to stand my ground, you ain't going to talk to me that kind of way. But if you sit there and go over some of those past differences, you're like, you know what I really wanted to just hug you instead of telling you what I said. You know, go ahead and say what I said.
Speaker 2:That is really, really good. Do you guys make it a point to have date nights on a regular basis? Do you guys make it a point to have date nights?
Speaker 3:on a regular basis. So not necessarily date nights, but we spent because of his schedule. When he is off, we spend time together. We spend time together. Sometimes that looks like we're going out together, sometimes it looks like sitting on the couch watching Dateline. So we just make a point to spend time together. Sometimes, if he's working on something out back, I have my chairs in the garage area with him and I'm crocheting while he's working on the car, just so that we have that time.
Speaker 4:We value the time that we have together. One thing that I'm seeing on the internet, I'm hearing people talk about, is being intentional. That's intentional about spending time with each other. If we have free time, hey, even if it's when I'm going to the store, you want to ride with me? Things like that. In the past, I could do four or five rounds, you know, run some errands and not be by myself because she'd have to do whatever, and so we incorporated that, definitely to know, in the truck. You know we ride and go inside the building, outside of this building, but we have that time together and we're communicating, we're talking, we're enjoying each other's company, you know. So that's what we do Exciting.
Speaker 2:I love that. So do you guys have anything that you'd like to share with my listeners about your coaching, that you guys have coming up, or anything about what you have in plans to help more couples in the future?
Speaker 3:So we are finishing up becoming certified relationship coaches and we will have our big launch in January for new couples. It's been a difficult struggle. You have that imposter syndrome kick in and like are people really going to do this? So we're trying to get past that hump and we decided to go ahead. We started designing that program and I said, you know, january 2025, it was like, yeah, so we have that date as our target date to kind of hold us to our our heels and make sure we dig in to do it. That will be a program for new couples. We'll also offer sessions for couples who have been married more than five years, perhaps those couples who are entering into the emptiness phase, and then, eventually, we want to host events and trips for couples.
Speaker 2:Ah, yes, we talked about that so. I'm excited for those times and those days. We'll definitely be putting that together for those events and retreats, because I think those are huge. We haven't been on one yet. I've always wanted to do one, so I think putting that together would be an amazing thing. So, byron Margaret, thank you so, so much for coming on here and doing this episode with us. This is probably going to be my favorite one.
Speaker 3:We enjoy talking to you too. We're going to have to schedule some times to have our meetings, our talks, because we've been looking forward to this.
Speaker 2:Yes, we have to as well. So I'm going to go ahead and tell my listeners. You guys go to their website, beyondidopodcastcom, get their book be able to follow them, keep in touch, you know. If you guys have a subscribe email, do you guys have that on your website?
Speaker 3:It's on the way. It's on the way. It's on the way.
Speaker 2:So keep an eye out for their website, keep an eye out on the things that they're doing. They've got big plans for those of you that are in new marriages or getting married and or getting into the empty nesters, and we love you all. Thank you for listening.
Speaker 1:Thank you.