Healthy Mindset Miracles
❤️In a world where we often talk about life challenges and the struggles we face, we believe it's equally important to shine a light on the incredible stories of resilience and transformation.
Join us on this inspiring journey as we explore the remarkable stories of individuals who have experienced what we like to call "Healthy Mindset Miracles." 🙌💫
These stories are about people who, against all odds, have achieved incredible turnarounds in their mindset. They're living proof that changes are possible, even when it feels like a miracle. 🌠
In each episode, we'll dive deep into these personal accounts, discovering the factors and strategies that played a role in their transformative journeys. 🧠💪
So, if you're looking for stories that inspire, insights that empower, and a community that supports, subscribe to "Healthy Mindset Miracles" now and be part of this incredible journey. 🎧❤️
Healthy Mindset Miracles
Ep.003 - From Toxic Love to Tragic Escape: Sara Studerus' Journey
Episode 005
What if your Prince Charming turned out to be the big bad wolf? If your love story morphed into a survival story? As we welcome Sara Studerus, a survivor and advocate of domestic violence, she takes us on her harrowing journey from love to abuse, survival, and justice. Sara gives us an intimate account of her toxic relationship, revealing how she was manipulated, isolated, and abused by her partner. The episode drives home the harsh reality of domestic violence, showing its adverse impact on victims' mental health.
The story, however, doesn't end in despair. Sara shares her triumphant escape and the steps she took to protect herself. She details how she sought help, formed a safety plan, and the importance of staying connected to loved ones for survival. This episode gives you a glimpse into the intricacies of escaping an abusive relationship, highlighting Sara's resilience, bravery, and strength to overcome.
But Sara's mission goes beyond just surviving. She uses her experiences to advocate for victims of domestic violence, educating and inspiring others who may find themselves in similar situations. Sara shares insights on recognizing red flags, building positive coping mechanisms, and the resources available to victims. She transforms her darkest moments into lessons of hope, strength, and resilience. So, tune in to walk with Sarah from her darkest hours to her brightest victories.
Sara's Podcast
"Shift Your Shit with Sara"
https://www.shiftyourshitwithsara.com/podcast
Thank you for tuning in to this empowering episode of Healthy Mindset Miracles." We hope you found inspiration and insight into the journey of redefining your mindset.
If you have any questions or would like to share your own experiences, please visit our website:
www.healthymindsetmiracles.com
We welcome your stories and inquiries. If you are interested in being a guest send us a message under contact us in the website.
Stay tuned for more episodes where we continue to explore the path to healing and well-being. Until we meet again, may you discover a healthy mindset in your life. 🌟
Don't forget to like, share, comment and subscribe on our Facebook and YouTube channel.
Welcome to Healthy Mindset Miracles. Before we get started, it is important to be aware of potential triggers that might arise during this discussion. I am not a licensed mental health professional or a certified therapist. The information provided is for educational and entertainment purposes only and does not substitute for professional medical or mental health advice. If you or someone you know is in need of mental health support, we strongly encourage seeking qualified mental health professionals. So help me welcome our guest today, sarah Stutteris Stutteris. I said her name wrong. I got it. I got it. Sarah, it's Stutteris. We're just talking about that too, about how to say her name. Right, and I just stuttered it. So it is Stutteris, and she has a podcast called Shift your Shit With Sarah. Yes, I said the word shit. Sarah is fierce, performing karaoke concerts in her car at Stop Lights. Oh, I love it. So we're going to let the conversation begin. Sarah, welcome. You love karaoke in your car. I do too. I'm so glad nobody can hear me, though.
Speaker 3:Absolutely. Thanks for having me. I, yeah, I'm definitely one of those people that will sing along with the radio, no matter what it's like a subconscious thing. I occasionally have been known to accidentally have the windows down. There definitely have been people that have heard me.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's awesome. Do you ever sing karaoke like in public?
Speaker 3:Occasionally, but usually I just can't stay up that late when I'm and like go out. I don't have lunchtime karaoke.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's awesome. I'm so glad that you find music to be so much fun. A lot of people find music to be very healing, so I guess singing in a car, I would say, is quite healing, absolutely, absolutely. So we're going to cut right into the challenges and the tragedies that you went through and so I'm going to ask you a few questions based on your stories.
Speaker 1:Now we've talked about your story prior and first of all, I have to tell you, after our meeting and we talked about it I was like, wow, this has to be one of the strongest women I've ever met, because of all of the medical challenges that you went through, all of the mental challenges that you went through, and then dealing with the toxic relationship. It's just all of that and one. I'm just happy that you're still here with us, because I know there was moments where that wasn't the case, where you wanted to be here with us anymore, because you were essentially thrown into a mindset that you were no longer needed and if you were gone then those things would stop. So you met a guy. How did you meet?
Speaker 3:him. It's funny because everybody always assumes that I would have met him on the internet and it would have been some stranger on the internet who was like some strange catfish. But I actually met him in my neighborhood walking my dog, so what would seem like one of the most innocent ways to meet someone?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so when you were walking the dog, he walked past. You Like, how did that conversation start?
Speaker 3:He was outside and he had a couple of friends with him and they were just hanging out and we were walking by and he started talking to my dog and asked me if he could offer him a snack and gave him some Doritos. My dog loved. But then we just kind of started chatting and he seemed really friendly and upbeat and yeah.
Speaker 1:Were you attracted to him at first, just an instant attraction, or did you have to grow that attraction?
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, it was funny because I remember thinking, funnily enough, one of the first times that we were talking, maybe the second or third time that we were talking, thinking to myself, wow, this person is really not physically attractive and it was just kind of like a funny and stood out to me thought. So it's kind of funny how how much personality can affect the way that we see someone and, unfortunately, when someone can hide who they really are and has the ability to show a masked personality that's full of charisma and do things like love bombing, where they tell you exactly what you want to hear over and over again, they're very manipulative. Unfortunately, that can affect the way you see someone and not be the truth.
Speaker 1:Exactly, I know when you get somebody that has a narcissistic behavior and they want to tell you what they want you to hear, but don't tell you the truth of who they are, but make you truly believe. He told you all the nice things, all the right things. So because of his personality, or as he was portraying himself to be, you kind of started to like him, right.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I think too especially because I had dealt with issues with mental health and different kinds of like complex traumas in my life, I think, too, you're more vulnerable to things like trauma bonds.
Speaker 3:So when someone is at least portraying that they're being vulnerable to you and they're saying things that you can relate to, you tend to be able to find compassion for them and empathy, and it helps you to develop a relationship more quickly, which can be fantastic when we're in a supportive community and you're building people that can help hold you up and things like that. But unfortunately, as you said, someone with a narcissistic personality uses those things to their advantage and they just take advantage of people, and that's what happened where it was like he was vulnerable. He would tell me about things in his past, which some of them were true and some of them weren't, and I just developed this feeling of, oh my goodness, like we have very similar paths and like we can relate to each other, and so conversation came very easily and, being a narcissist, he knew exactly what I would need to hear in order to feel supported and in order to feel a connection. So he definitely used that to his advantage and our relationship developed very quickly.
Speaker 1:So you were living on your own, correct? Yeah, okay, and at one point he ended up moving in with you. Now, how did that happen?
Speaker 3:So he was. Actually I'm in Canada, so he was from another province and he had been living with roommates when I met him and they got into a big fight one night and they told him what you did was really unsafe. He left a candle burning and left the house, and so they decided they were. They didn't want him to live there anymore and it became this big drama.
Speaker 1:And was this a true story? It was, or is this what he told you? It actually? No, it was a true story, it did happen. Sometimes you have to ask yes, yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, it was, it was a true story, it did happen. And he had said to me you know what, like I'm, I'm moving back to my home province in a couple of weeks. Anyway, I guess I just have to figure something out. And I was like, well, you know, you come over here all the time anyway, like why don't you just stay here for the like two weeks until you go home, thinking like not really thinking about him moving in per se, but just okay, well, you're here anyway, you may as well just stay here until you go home in two weeks.
Speaker 1:Very similar story in mine. So your guy moved in, and then what happened?
Speaker 3:And then all of a sudden, like I would, I even talked to his grandmother, I talked to his family. So it was insane. His grandmother wouldn't give too many details about him.
Speaker 3:I guess, looking back, she would confirm some of the things that he said and like that he was such a good boy and all of these things and I think she was pretty delusional about who he was too and I think some of that was like because he did really have trauma in his family and that can help people to develop things like a narcissistic personality, having early trauma in their lives and she was the one that raised him. So I think she kind of felt guilty about a lot of things so didn't let herself really realize the extent to which things were happening. And from what he had told me, when we first met and we were first dating, he was basically an entrepreneur who was buying and selling products.
Speaker 3:So he would buy something and flip it, and or he would buy something like at a market cheap and then find the actual market for it and sell it at full value, and so he worked odd hours and could be gone often to go pick things up off of Facebook marketplace or things like that. And he didn't have a car either, and that that should have been a big ding, ding, ding, red flag for me.
Speaker 3:So he would often say like at first I would drive him places occasionally or friends would come pick him up, but then it became like hey, can I borrow your car for 15 minutes? And I'd be like yeah, sure, no problem. And then it became like more and more he would have my car, he would have my car and I'd be like I have to go to work, you need to come back. And I had met a couple of his friends and some of them were really nice and engaging and some of them were very questionable and I was like, hmm, I don't know. Okay, well, maybe he's just really nice and kind of trying to justify things in my brain like, oh yeah, he's this nice caring person, Right?
Speaker 3:And as the weeks went on, things started getting a little stranger and stranger and I'd question things and, like you, he would turn it around on me as to like, why are you questioning me?
Speaker 1:like deflect trust yeah.
Speaker 3:And make it about my shortcomings that he could prey on, or limiting beliefs that I had or beliefs about myself that he could prey on, and it would immediately make me feel bad and shut up. And yeah, it just. It's interesting, looking back on it, that you don't see it in the time Exactly, but when you have the type of personality that you just want to help people and you care about people deeply, and you can fix them.
Speaker 3:Yes, absolutely that. You know you just you want to do everything you can to help people and you know, not not even necessarily in only in romantic relationships, but period.
Speaker 3:But someone who can see that and knows that they can use it to their advantage unfortunately knows how to manipulate that a lot. So it took me a little while to see that like something was very wrong. And then I eventually found out that he was actually a drug dealer. Wow, I had a friend of mine that had passed away from a fentanyl overdose not long before that. That I had actually I hadn't seen since high school and I'd been thinking about and I'd been looking for him, and about a month and a half into looking for him I'd found out that he had previously passed away that he had signed an addicted to meth and it had ruined his life very quickly and he passed away, and so I said to him, like I can't have these things at my house, like you you need to go, you you need to leave.
Speaker 3:And he would say, okay, well, I just like I need a couple of days to find somewhere, and he would pray on that. You know, like wanting to help people and that making me feel guilty and I would be like, okay, you have till Friday. Yeah. And it went on and on this that I would try and get him out of my house and I just couldn't.
Speaker 1:Let me ask you how many years were you with him?
Speaker 3:Actually, it wasn't that long at all.
Speaker 1:Really less than a year.
Speaker 3:Less than a year, things developed really quickly and escalated really really quickly.
Speaker 1:Wow, wow, less than a year. And so you found out. So how did you find out he was a drug dealer?
Speaker 3:One night when I told him he couldn't take my car because I had to be at work somewhere, that we went when he came back and he didn't have anything with him, where he was like supposed to be picking up some thing from Facebook, um marketplace, or to Gigi or something, and I was like, hmm, this is really like, this is really weird. And I had made some joke about like, oh, what are you a drug dealer, or something, and he was like, oh, like I didn't think you knew when I was like oh, oh, wow, um, this is not where I thought this was going to go, but probably in the back of my mind.
Speaker 1:I probably knew. That's probably why you asked him that question. Yeah, that's because you probably knew Wow. Yeah, so he's taken your car. You find out that he is a drug dealer and you tell him he's got to leave. You tell him he has until Friday. How many times did he say he was going to leave and you kept giving him extra time?
Speaker 3:Oh gosh, I don't even know.
Speaker 1:There was so many times, and he would tell me why did you keep giving him extra time?
Speaker 3:Similar to what you were saying. He would tell me I just I really needed money when I came to the town and it was an easy way to do it and like I just this is it's not what I do by trade. Like what I do by trade, is this like really high paying job?
Speaker 3:Well, no, he, he came from the province where oil and gas is really big here, and he actually did work in oil and gas and like I had seen all of his licenses, so that part was true. And he was like I just like I got hurt on the job and I came back to him at like this province where he actually had a daughter that he was estranged from. So he said I knew I had to heal from the injury on my on the job where he had supposedly fallen off of some equipment and broken his ribs, and like I had seen all the medical things from like his medical paperwork, from the broken ribs and things like that. It was not from work. But my brain believed his story and so he said, while I was healing I decided I was going to come back to Ontario, the province where I live, to try and redevelop a relationship with my daughter.
Speaker 3:But my ex-girlfriend she's crazy and heard that one too she doesn't let me see her and I'm just like trying to make my life better and like come up with the money to be able to like get my own place that I could have my daughter stay over.
Speaker 3:And this makes my brain forget about the I'm going home in a couple of weeks and so I was like OK, ok, well, what about this job? And I helped him find a job with a friend of mine and was like, just go do this job, like it pays decently, it's consistent work, all of that. And so he did. It was in another town, so he had to take my car and a couple of times left me stranded. And after working there for a few days, suddenly he's like oh, their health and safety isn't correct and this is really dangerous. And on and on and on. I'm not going in there again until they fix these things. And so then it became a thing where he would be like you have to tell your friend this, that they have to fix these things about their business. And then my friend would be like I don't think this guy is telling you the whole truth.
Speaker 3:And I'm like I don't know why he's saying that really isn't safe, like is that what you guys are doing? And she would deflect that because I think she didn't know enough about she just ran her husband, that had been for her husband's business, but I don't think she really knew enough about the regulations and all that to speak to it, which I'm sure it wasn't true. I'm sure her husband was running his business the way he was supposed to. He's ran it for years and so it became this thing of one against the other. And also, like you other friends, he would text or call me incessantly when I was out or when I was at work and be like you need to come back, you need to come back, you need to come back. And my friends would be like this is a lot.
Speaker 1:This is not normal, yeah.
Speaker 3:And I was like, oh, I don't know, but he just really needs whatever, really needs me or really needs whatever. And so slowly friends drifted away from me or he would find a way to say nasty things to my friends that they didn't want to be around, or freak my friends out that they were like, yeah, I don't want to be a part of any of this.
Speaker 1:And they're exiting themselves away from the toxicity. That's what was happening with my friends and family. They didn't kind of distance themselves, until I figured it out.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah and unfortunately, I mean I know I get it, everybody's got their own stuff that they're going through. And when they try to tell you, and you won't listen because, like you said, you're defensive and you're like, no, no, no, but this, this is what I'm trying to do and you're trying to justify everything and you're trying to. Your body wants to feel safe and it wants to feel like you're doing the right decision.
Speaker 3:So, it's the right thing, so it's trying to find ways to make it OK and stories to make it OK, and so I get that people have their own things and they're like I got it for my own mental health. I just got to step away, exactly. But then you become more and more isolated and it can really make things worse, and in your case it did get worse.
Speaker 1:Yeah so let's talk about that. So you went through a period where he started threatening you and then he started to harm you. And then you went through a period where you were like, ok, well, do what you want with me, I don't care anymore. And then he started threatening your family.
Speaker 3:So he would, when I would say no, when I would set a boundary, suddenly it would start it out with making me feel bad or making me feel shame or something like that. And then, when people would say things to me about this isn't right, and the back of my mind is going like listen, listen, like this little light's going off, and so I would kind of like bring in, like bring in a little bit of a boundary, and I would be like no, no, I don't know that, I believe that. And then he would, instead of just trying to make me feel bad, he would be like oh well, if you don't do this, then this bad thing is going to happen. So like maybe something like oh yeah, well, I owe these people this money, and if they don't get, their money, then they're going to.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Or like they're going to come and destroy your car my car was brand new or they're going to come and break into your apartment and beat us and I was like, ok, I can't have this. You just need to like, finish this whatever up and get out of this life, like you say you're going to, and it was like, OK, let's just.
Speaker 3:And then when I was, it became after a few days it was like OK, let's like, bring that boundary in a little bit, because, no, this isn't working. And then there started to be like a lot of violence around him. And it was weird because if somebody called the police, the police would come and there would never Nothing ever happened to him, even if he instigated it. And it was really weird. And so I made a comment about it and he says to me oh well, I'm a police informant. Oh, he would inform other people in order to get freedom to do whatever he wanted.
Speaker 1:So they let him have a pass because he was a tattle teller.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so he pretty much felt like he can do whatever he wanted to you and there was nothing you could do about it. And by this time he's already got you to a point where he knows that you're not going to do anything because he knows that you have a heart and you want to help him. Now that you have gotten to a point to where you're like he's he's already knows that you try to kick him out a couple times, he isn't going anywhere, you still let him slide. And then all of a sudden he's like all right, now I got her. Now, if she tries to do anything, there's, there's nothing she can do. And so he started to physically harm you.
Speaker 3:And he, he, at one point I had found out that he had cheated on me and I was like, ok, then go live with her. Like just just take your stuff and go, because I can't do this anymore. And he said, yeah, ok, fine. And so he had brought her over to my apartment to help him move. And oh, how nice of him. Yeah, we have gotten into a fight about an argument about something like whether he could take something of mine or not, or something like that. And I said something very loudly about Like calling the police and putting him in jail or something like that. And he came after me and started strangling me and I just laughed because at that point I was like you know, my life can't get any worse than it is right now. Like, what do you think you're doing? If you were to seriously harm me or to by chance kill me, is not like it's going to get any worse. I just laughed and I was like, go ahead, go ahead and kill me. Do you feel like you?
Speaker 1:were at that point just giving up. Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 3:And that's when he realized that threatening me and harming me wasn't going to do any good anymore, it wasn't going to manipulate me anymore. And so he did take his things and, well, most of his things and leave that night and I thought it was over. And then a few days later he said, oh, I need to come pick up those last couple of things. And he came over and did the whole apologize. I need to get my life straight. I'm going to get my life straight. I really love you You're the only person that's ever helped me on and on and on.
Speaker 3:And I let him stay the night and the night became the week and I don't even remember what he did. That made me really angry and I said to him this enough is enough. You need to leave. You need to take everything. I'm going to go away for the weekend and when I get back on Sunday night, none of your stuff is going to be here. You're not going to be here, I'm not talking to you again. And I went to visit family out of town and I was like, okay, it's done. Like when I get back, he's gone, he's gone, life's going to be normal. And on the Sunday I got a call from him asking me to pick him up from the hospital and I was like, oh, what happened? And he was like, oh, I got in a car accident and it was really bad, and this and that and the other thing. And I was like, okay, well, like I'm coming back to town at such and such a time, I can pick you up then.
Speaker 1:So was he in a car accident.
Speaker 3:No, he was in the hospital, okay, but he was not in a car accident. When we got back to my apartment, everything looked really strange and there was like weird medical items on the floor and it took me a few days to figure out what happened. But he had overdosed. He tried to kill himself so that I would come back and find him dead, wow, and his new little girlfriend had happened to be there with him and she saved his life and called an ambulance and they resuscitated him, okay, so that was why he was in the hospital.
Speaker 1:So how did you react when you found out that? What did you say to him?
Speaker 3:I was really angry about being manipulated and I don't remember exactly what I said, but I basically said you need to get out Like you need to be gone.
Speaker 1:You need to get some help?
Speaker 3:Yeah, and he refused. And he was like what are you going to do? Are you going to call the police? They're not going to do anything. How do you think you're going to get rid of me? Wow. And I was like whatever, like you can't, you can't do anything to make my life worse. And he said, oh, he wanted that. I know where your grandmother lives. I'll go kill her at night.
Speaker 1:So he started that family.
Speaker 3:You do what I want or I'm going to kill your grandmother, and I knew he was crazy enough to do it. I had seen him do horrible things to people.
Speaker 1:So you said at that point there was a time in your life where, after he started threatening your family, you said that you thought in your head if I'm not here, then he won't do anything to them. So if I'm not here, it's over. So what did you do?
Speaker 3:It took a little while before that thought came to my brain. It was just one day I woke up and I thought wait a minute, if the problem is that he's threatening my family, and that's what I'm worried about, because he wants me to do something If I'm not here. So therefore I can't do whatever he wants me to do my family's safe.
Speaker 3:So the solution is just for me not to be here. And it wasn't like it wasn't an emotional thing, it was. It was just like this logical thought in my brain where it was like a plus b equals c. So if b is gone, the equation doesn't work anymore. Okay, so b just needs to be gone. So I literally got up at a bed and thought okay, well, I've got some extra. I was on a few different antidepressants at that time. Got some extra of that. I've got a prescription that I can renew.
Speaker 1:So you were thinking about ending your life, yeah.
Speaker 3:And I was like I know that he keeps some around here and I know that it's killing everybody in the city, so I could add some of that to it. I don't know anything about it. I've never done drugs before in my life and I was like, if it's killing everybody, okay, that's, that's easy. So I found his drugs, I took all of the he had like this big chunk which I was like I kept hearing, oh, this little bit, this little bit, this little bit can kill people. And I was like, oh yeah, well, that's definitely going to take care of it. You know, it's as big as a quarter and took all of the prescription that I had.
Speaker 3:Walked up to the pharmacy because he had my car, refilled my prescriptions and went okay, but what if my logical brain just kicks in again? What if I throw it up? Okay, gravel, I need gravel. So I got a bunch of gravel, went over to the McDonald's to grab a drink, sat and wrote down where all of my assets were so that it was easy for my family to figure things out, and waited until it got dark, walked over to a big park where it's like a nature conservatory and sat down, took everything and all of the bottles, all of the stuff that I had taken from him, all of the gravel, and I'd had a friend who had been really supportive of me my entire life, but she doesn't do emotional well. So I had texted her and said I really appreciate everything that you've done for me, whatever. I just wanted to let you know that. And she texted me back and she said is something wrong?
Speaker 1:Yeah, she saw through it.
Speaker 3:And I was like oh no, no, I just I really want to let you know that. And she was like okay, I'm going to check on you in the morning. And I was like yeah, yeah, that's fine, that's cool. And I texted another friend I knew that had also been really helpful to me and I was like I just want to let you know that I appreciate you and I shut off my phone and I laid down and I went to sleep and that was supposed to be the end.
Speaker 1:So we're going to stop there for a second.
Speaker 1:If the listeners are hearing this and this is triggering you. I just want you to know that we care, and she's only telling the story because this is her story. I don't want you guys to make this your story. So if you have any thoughts in your head or any feelings around that road, please go seek help immediately, because this is not the answer to anything. This was not her answer to her situation. Unfortunately, she put herself in a situation that she really didn't need to be in. Now there was a guardian angel, and I don't know if you believe in God or who else believes in God, but I know that you were being watched over because that should have killed you that night. That should have taken you out, but it didn't.
Speaker 1:So those of you who are thinking suicidal thoughts, there is a suicidal hotline. Please call the suicide hotline to be able to get help. Don't go take things into your own hands, because there's more to life than trying to thinking that you're done because you're never, ever done. Thankfully, sarah was saved and now Sarah has amazing things that she's doing with her life today, and you can have amazing things that you could do with your life as well. You just have to get through those hard moments and sometimes they feel like this is the last choice. You don't have any other choice. It's nobody cares about you. There are people that care. It may not be people that are around you at this very moment or people that you know, but there are some people that you haven't even met yet who care, so it's just a matter of seeking that out.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I had tried a lot in that time, like I mean, we're only telling so much of the story. There's only so much of the story we can tell in that time and I was fighting that there was a lot of wait list for resources and I just wasn't finding the right resources. So you know, if somebody is struggling, I really I advocate for things like what's coming in Canada. But in the US you guys have a three digit number I believe it's 988 that people can dial to get instant access to talk to somebody, and I've since found out that there's things like organizations that will speak to you via text if calling is too hard, because I know sometimes it's too hard to you know, listen and speak.
Speaker 1:So those are amazing resources. Exactly, if you Google search suicide hotline, it will actually tell you to either call 988. It also gives you the text message chat and it gives you the website. So if you don't want to talk to somebody over the phone, you can just click chat and it immediately take you to somebody to chat with. I guess at the time that this happened with you, Sarah, did you wish somebody had told you that.
Speaker 3:Oh, absolutely. I wish I had been able to be connected with the right resources, and so that is one of the reasons now why, anytime I hear about new resources that are in my community, that places that I had connected with didn't know about, I try to connect them, because if there was a universal place where all of the resources were available, I would have had more options. Yes.
Speaker 3:And I just felt like I had run out of options. And, like you said, I just want to reiterate like it is never too late to ask for help.
Speaker 1:It is never, ever too late to ask for help. I wish somebody had told me about those resources at the time that I was at my lowest point because I needed somebody to talk to so bad. Thankfully I knew to pray. Thankfully I knew to go sit in my closet with my Bible. But not many people have or know that connection as.
Speaker 1:I did. I grew up with that. I wasn't always one that goes to church. I still don't go to church today. However, I always knew where my connection was with my Creator and I always went to scripture or went to prayer. And I don't pray every day, I'm not one of these Bible Thumper people, but in those moments of my darkest, darkest moments, that's what I turn to. I turn to scripture, I turn to prayer and I can tell you today that's what saved my life, because I was in my closet with my Bible, crying harder than you can ever possibly cry, because I had enough. Those good moments never outweigh the really bad moments, because the really bad moments were gut wrenching and they cut right through you and I had to come to terms to know when enough was enough and when.
Speaker 1:I was ready to know that I needed to change something, and my thoughts were either in my life, which I couldn't do, and I think the reason why I couldn't do was because I had a daughter. I had a daughter and I couldn't do that to her, and so I was so upset. I was in my closet crying and throwing up because I was so upset, and that moment I said I can't do this to myself anymore. I can't allow myself to try to fix him. I need to fix me. And that's when I walked away, because I had enough. Nobody's perfect. I didn't handle things the proper way, he didn't handle things the proper way. But I know now that from those experiences, I know now what to look for today, absolutely that's the story over my life.
Speaker 1:Today I have a very amazing, functioning, wonderful marriage where there's communication and there's truth and there's honor and there's trust. Those things are so important in a relationship. I had none of that in my other one. None of it, but there is hope at the time. Absolutely.
Speaker 1:When I was going through all of that I didn't feel like I had hope. And even after we got a divorce, I remember standing at my kitchen and I would get bouts of a really black cloud come over my head and I would see a knife while I was doing dishes and I would think about if I just take this knife and I just take care of myself right there. But then I thought no, no, no, no, no. I dispute that thought. That thought does not going to come in my mind and I started hiding knives, Literally. I'd put them in the drawer and I'd put stuff over them so I wouldn't see them. I would not let knives be on my counter, I wouldn't let them be within my reach. I would literally make myself fearful with the knives Because those thoughts would come into my head and I thought I can't be now, I can't be around that stuff Because I can't trust myself.
Speaker 1:But I got through it through reading books like Free of Me by Sharon Miller and how to stop worrying and start living, because I was worrying a lot how to stop worrying and start living by Dale Carnegie and books like that. I had started to have a black cloud thought. I went and found a book. That's literally how I fixed it. I would go find a book and sit down and start reading, even if it was just a couple of paragraphs. That's what I would do. So with you, sarah. You got to this point where you're taking these drugs and your thoughts of ending your life. You're in this field. It's nighttime. Obviously something didn't work because you're sitting there talking to us.
Speaker 1:So how did your life get saved?
Speaker 3:So the last thing I knew it was dark, it was black and that was supposed to be the end. And then the next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and I saw these ugly patterned curtains that are in every hospital here across Canada. And it was exactly right where I was.
Speaker 3:And at first I was so angry. Anger was the only emotion that I could feel, because somebody had taken away my decision to save my family. And then I found out what had happened after that. After that, I wasn't found for 20 hours, and when somebody did find me and the ambulance came, I needed to be resuscitated, did you?
Speaker 1:happen to vomit during those 20 hours. I have no idea. There's. Something had to have happened to where your body did not respond to. And I'm telling you you had to have had a guardian angel, or something spiritually miraculous miracle, a mental health miracle, literally happened in your life.
Speaker 3:Literally Go ahead. They resuscitated me, took me to the hospital. When they brought me to the hospital, my knee had sustained some major damage due to the blood stopping circulating in my body, and they thought they were going to have to amputate my leg to save me. They thought I had flesh-eating disease, and so they called my grandmother and asked for permission to amputate my leg to save my life, and she was like absolutely, do whatever you can.
Speaker 1:Did they amputate?
Speaker 3:No, they thought I had flesh-eating disease. So they wanted to check into that. So they took samples and had to wait an extended period of time for the results to come back. And I guess when the results came back negative, at that point they had looked at my leg and thought OK, it's not getting any worse, so we're just going to leave it and we'll figure it out later. They had been able to stabilize me without doing anything to it. So they were kind of like OK, we don't know what to do right now, but right now we're just going to leave it because she's stable and we'll figure it out.
Speaker 3:And I was actually in a coma for four days. I woke up when I opened my eyes it was four days later. Wow, five days from what I knew, but four days after I'd been in the hospital. And when I heard all of that, when I heard that it had been five days since the darkness and that I had no organ damage from everything that I took Again another miracle and that there was damage to my leg, but other than that everything was working the way that it was supposed to, my thought was okay, well, obviously there's some reason that I'm here. There's no way. There's no way Exactly. So I guess I got some purpose here. I guess I just gotta figure out what it is.
Speaker 1:So you were taken and put into like a protection plan. They had moved you to protect you because by then you did tell your story as to why you did what you did, because you had to explain why you tried to take your life. So they were doing what they could to protect you and they moved you to a location, to where he wasn't supposed to find you, but he did what happened.
Speaker 3:So, like you said, while I was in the hospital, victim services here moved me so that he wouldn't know where I was. I had gotten connected to some other amazing resources like the Domestic Violence Center and a domestic violence nurse through a pilot program at one of the universities in my town, so I'd been receiving some counseling for the domestic violence issues with people that really understood what it's like to be like to feel like you're stuck in that situation and not come at it from the perspective of, well, why didn't you just leave? People that understand why you can't just leave and why it takes women on average seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship and that's the people that make it out of those relationships alive.
Speaker 3:That's not counting the people that don't make it out of those relationships alive. So I'd been connected with some great resources. I'd been put on waiting lists for other resources but still didn't have a whole lot of coping skills at that point. But I had a lot of hope and I was in the hospital for five and a half months because I had to have a surgery for a very complex surgery which ended up with an infection that went on for months and months and months had to have another complex surgery, had to relearn how to walk twice and eventually-.
Speaker 1:Now, was this a result from you taking that?
Speaker 3:Yes, it was everything that happened with my knee. Everything that happened with my knee led to all these physical problems. So now my knee is missing parts and pieces. It doesn't have the same physiology, it doesn't have the same stability as it used to. And this all started in mid June and finally, in the beginning of November, I was able to come home. I could still only walk with a walker at that point and just had to learn how to live again. And I'd been home for a couple of weeks and I was starting to progress to just using a cane, starting to feel like, okay, things are getting better, thinking that everything's over now.
Speaker 1:And you're healing, both mentally, physically and emotionally. You're healing.
Speaker 3:And then you get a knock on my door, and then there's a knock on my door and it's him, and I was like oh shit.
Speaker 1:So why did you open the door?
Speaker 3:I thought at that point that I could handle him that.
Speaker 1:I could you thought you were strong enough to say no.
Speaker 3:And I thought I was strong enough to say no and I thought that I had healed enough to have boundaries and that I knew him well enough that I could make him realize that he just couldn't do this anymore and he needed to go away and he needed to get himself help. But unfortunately he had been doing a lot of drugs in the meantime because I was the one resource that he could count on and while I was in the hospital I wasn't a resource that he could count on. While I was in the hospital I had put him in jail. He'd been in and out of jail and he just started to run out of resources and he started to do more and more drugs and those drugs really affected his brain and the way that he thought.
Speaker 1:So he was on drugs when he showed up at your house and you opened the door thought you could deal with him. He came in, he shut the door behind him and you knew that you were in trouble.
Speaker 3:Yeah, he came in with a bat that was studded with nails and talking crazy and kept repeating over and over again things like oh, I understand that whole making a murderer thing. I have nothing to lose, so someone's gonna die.
Speaker 1:So you text your advocate. It had been like two days.
Speaker 3:This went on for two days where I'd be like, okay, but you really need to get help and whatever, and you need to do this and you need to do that, and he'd be like, start talking crazy. And at the same time, he's also talking on the phone with the police officer that he's a informant for.
Speaker 3:And saying all these crazy things, and I come to the realization in that first hour that he's there, that oh my God, someone's gonna die, like someone really is gonna die, and I don't know if it's gonna be me, I don't know if it's gonna be him, I don't know if it's gonna be somebody else, but something's gonna happen. And my brain starts panicking because I'm like I don't wanna die because of this person anymore. I wanna live. Like how do I get out of this?
Speaker 1:Exactly, and I was sitting here thinking that I hope officers are listening to this and, if they have informants, that they make better choice, because we can't keep allowing, even if somebody is an informant, to continue to harm other people. That's where those lines should be drawn Like. We can't keep giving them slaps on the wrist. That's why we end up with all of these challenges and murders and things that are going on in this world, and I really hope that some of those changes can be made just by your story, sarah. I hope your story helps make some of those changes, but go ahead, go ahead.
Speaker 3:I had been scared to really reach out to anybody because I didn't want him to find out and react and hurt me or kill me. But at one point he for some reason felt safe enough on day two that he was there, that he was gonna get in the shower and have a shower. And when he did that, I grabbed my cell phone and I texted the domestic violence nurse that I'd been working with, and I texted her and said look, this is what's happening. I'm sending you this message. I'm going to delete it afterwards so that he doesn't find it, because he would constantly grab my phone and go through it to see if I'd been talking to anybody. And can you please pretend you're one of my neighbors and call the police and tell them that?
Speaker 1:call in noise and disturbance. Because we have a no contact order.
Speaker 3:They show up, they're gonna take him away. So if somebody comes for something that's seemingly innocent to him, like that, then he's not going to blame me for the police being called. He's not gonna do anything to me. It was my thought process and I said if you get this message and you can do that, can you send me back a message saying would you like to make your next appointment? So it was something. How long did it take till she messaged you back? It was half an hour and it was like nine o'clock at night, so I was so lucky.
Speaker 1:What did she say when she messaged you back?
Speaker 3:She just said exactly what I asked her to. It was would you like to make an appointment? And my thought was like, okay, help is on the way. Okay, and within about 15, 20 minutes there was a loud knock at the door and the police were there and they immediately called his name.
Speaker 1:So they didn't handle it like it was a noise ordinance. They handled it because they knew yeah.
Speaker 3:When she had called, she explained the situation and then asked them to come, as if it was a noise complaint and they didn't, so they immediately called his name and said we know you're in there, and he immediately started screaming at me that I had called the police on him. He was screaming.
Speaker 1:So why was he fearful at that moment?
Speaker 3:because he was a police informant, because I had put him in jail before, so this time it wasn't his friends that showed up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was a different force, gotcha.
Speaker 3:So I said to him I'm sorry, I have to open the door, they're gonna knock it down. And he said well, if you open that door, you better show up to court tomorrow morning and tell them that I am allowed to be here, otherwise I am going to kill you. And I opened the door and the police asked me to leave my apartment in my pajamas.
Speaker 3:And so I stood out in the hallway for half an hour while they reasoned with him and decided to take him away. And when they left I said to the one police officer okay, if you need further information from me, you're going to have to call me, because I'm leaving town. It's not safe for me to be here.
Speaker 1:So you relocated again, mm-hmm, okay.
Speaker 3:And in all of the thinking back, we're guessing that he found me because of my car, because my car stands out a little bit.
Speaker 1:So you switched cars.
Speaker 3:We're guessing that he or someone else he had somebody looking for my car or something had seen it. So I was like, okay, it's not safe for me to be here because no matter where I am, he's gonna find me. So I went and stayed with family in another town and, sure enough, 10 o'clock in the morning, the police had said to me oh, don't worry about it, he's not gonna get released tonight and if he does, we're gonna contact you before we release him anyway. But sure enough, 10 o'clock the next morning, he was calling me and I didn't answer my phone and I immediately called the police and said what do you want me to do now? Like I told you, and they asked me to come into town to make a report. And I said it's not safe, I can't come into the city. And they said well, we can't send an officer to you outside of our jurisdiction. I don't know what you want us to do. And I was like, okay, I need this to get better, I need this to stop, so I'm gonna have to.
Speaker 3:So I ended up switching cars with somebody and went in and did my statement. They took him into court to do the arraignment and they released him on his own recognizance. So he was out and waiting for his next court day. So it still wasn't safe for me to be in the city. So I spent half of my week with family in one town and then half of my week with a friend in another town, so that I didn't overstay my welcome anywhere. And anytime I had to come back into the city because I had physiotherapy for my leg or appointments with the police or appointments with the domestic violence nurse, I would switch cars with my friend or her husband. They would track my phone. If I had to, if I decided I want to stop at the dollar store, I would have to call and tell them because my phone was gonna be stopping at somewhere it wasn't supposed to be for an extended period of time.
Speaker 3:And life went on like that from February until April.
Speaker 1:So he did attempt to try to find you, but he was unsuccessful at this point. So because he was unsuccessful, you eventually did get a phone call asking about your address.
Speaker 3:What happened that first day that he had called me and I had to make the police report. I had said to the police when I was making the report, like okay, I have to change my number because I can't deal with this, even blocking his number, he's just gonna call me from other numbers. So I changed my phone number, I gave the police my new phone number and had been trying to figure it all out. My one friend that I was staying with had said to me you know what? You're spending a whole lot of time here, like why don't you just move to this town? And I thought, okay, you know what? It's not safe for me to be there In my old town.
Speaker 3:Every time he goes to court and the police are supposed to pick him up, they forget to show up at court to pick him up to put him back in jail. So I got an apartment, I got my keys to the apartment and I was at her house for what was supposed to be like the last couple of nights. I got incredibly lucky. I was working with some amazing people at Victim Services and they connected with me with Victim Services in the new town to help me get a place, and I was connecting with all the great resources at that time, which was amazing.
Speaker 3:And one night at 11 o'clock my phone rang and it was no number, no contact, and I thought, oh God, it's the police again. What is happening? So I picked it up and they were asking me all these questions about my address and about him. And my thought was, oh God, he's at my old apartment making a scene. That's what's going through my head. And so it was like okay, yes, that's my address. Yes, I'm not there. That's my ex-boyfriend. We have no contact order. Yeah, and he said to me, I'm just calling you because you're really the only contact that we have on his file, so essentially to usher next of kin and I'm calling you to find it, to tell you that we found a body. Oh no, and the sense of relief that went through my body was so strange. And immediately I said, okay, what do you need to know? Because now it's safe for me to tell you anything. I can say anything I want, because he can't hurt me anymore.
Speaker 1:Did you feel guilty for feeling relief?
Speaker 3:Not at first, but once I got off the phone with the police officer and I was still, I think, in shock, and I went to my friend's bedroom and I knocked on the door and her and her husband were in bed. Everybody's winding down for sleep. It's almost, it's getting on to almost midnight at this point. And I looked at her and I said he's dead, we don't have to worry anymore. And when I said those words out loud, my brain went oh, aren't you supposed to feel bad when you say that somebody's dead? And I don't. And so I said where is it bad? That I feel relieved and not bad? And she immediately said to me oh my God, no, what happened? And I saw the police did tell me like he killed himself.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and so what had happened was he ran out of resources. He didn't have anybody else left that he could threaten or coerce into giving him what he wanted, and he couldn't find me, who was like the one resource that he thought he could manipulate. And his family were at their wits end. His grandmother had said to me in the days before this the only way that this ends is that he dies and he goes home to the Lord, and only the Lord knows when it's super sad Time. And his family was extremely religious, was and is not my thing, so that I always kind of struggled with too, because I was like, okay, well, you know, religion and God is his thing. And then, even when I was like, okay, there's some reason that I'm alive, I was like, okay, well, thank you universe.
Speaker 3:I don't know what, but thank you.
Speaker 1:You don't know what was there. Something was there.
Speaker 3:And so I was like okay, well I'm, but I have all of this ready to move into this new city. What do I do? And I talked to my friend about it and she was like just move and make a fresh start.
Speaker 1:So when, obviously, the tragedy ended by him taking his life and unfortunately, it's sad that somebody has to take their life before for somebody else to have relief from the trauma that they put them through. So I'm not making that light and I know you're not making a blight. Somebody lost their life, but your life had been relieved because you're no longer in this nightmare anymore. And so now you're going through, you're having to start life all over again. You're trying to figure out what life's like without having to deal with trauma, because you'd been dealing with this for a while, and then now you have to deal with your feelings too.
Speaker 1:Okay, here it is. I'm not feeling guilty. There's somebody died and I'm not and I'm trying to figure out, like, why is these feelings happening and what do I do from here? But you have turned things around. You have taken the story and you've made it into a positive to be able to help others. So your goal in life has completely changed and you have now decided that your purpose was to be able to share the journey that you went through so that somebody else can find healing and help and not have to suffer as much as you have. Correct.
Speaker 1:Absolutely so. How did you do that? You do have a podcast. What's the name of your? We talked about the podcast at the beginning, so go ahead and say the name of your podcast again.
Speaker 3:So my podcast is shift your shit with Sarah. It's something that I started about two years ago and had a first season, and then there were things that happened in other areas of my life that I had to step back from everything I was doing. But I'm just getting ready to release it again either at the end of this year or the beginning of the new year talking about little different ways that things that people can try to put new tools in their toolbox to make change?
Speaker 1:Have you had people reach out to you and say thank you so much for sharing your story.
Speaker 3:You've really helped me when I'm in person and I talk to people, people are like oh my God, like I can't believe. Or so many people say to me oh my God, like I. I felt myself in that moment of knowing that I was by myself and now knowing that I really wasn't by myself. I wish I knew this before.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I think that's why it's really important to talk about it, because even recently I was staying with a friend that I hadn't seen in a very long time and he had said to me, like I was telling him what had happened in the 13 years since I'd seen him and obviously this is a part of it and he just kept saying to me, yeah, but it's over now. Yeah.
Speaker 3:And I said to him yes, like I'm not going through it anymore, but it's not over now, Like I'm still dealing with the effects of it and I always will. The effects of it are not as difficult on me day to day as they used to be, but it's something that will always be with me.
Speaker 1:And one of those is having another relationship. It's hard for you to be able to feel safe in a new relationship, correct? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:And I had said to my friend if I just say, okay, it's over now and I move on with my life without talking about it, without talking about what happened and making it more socially acceptable to say I was in this relationship and I felt like I couldn't get out, so that people don't feel like everyone's going to say to them, why didn't you just leave? Then the woman that is still stuck in that relationship, the man that is still stuck in that relationship, has no hope. They feel like they're alone and they're still in it and it's still going on for them. So if I can talk about what happened to me and then I can talk about how I changed that, then maybe that doesn't have to be happening for them anymore.
Speaker 1:So what would you say to somebody who says the guy who's or the girl who's hurting me, obviously they're not killing herself anytime soon? I mean, what would you say to them? How would they get out of that relationship? And how do you? You went through where you went through protection and you still found you. Where do you help somebody find some safe space?
Speaker 3:I mean, everybody's situation is different, right, Everybody has their own comfort level with what they feel safe with and what they feel like they can do that's not going to endanger their lives. But absolutely look for the resources that are in your community. Getting connected with the domestic violence organization in my town that deals with people that are still in those relationships to help them make a safety plan. And even if it's that you have to do that in secret and build your plan to get out of the boat, and even if while you're working with them, you lose your nerve but you know that maybe you can build it back up again, they continue to work with you. They don't give up on you.
Speaker 3:Find those resources, find them online, find them in your city, try as hard as you can to stay connected to the people in your life and not let them decide that they just can't deal with you anymore. Stay connected as much as you can, even if as long as it's safe for you, stay connected as much as you can.
Speaker 1:I agree. And if it's really bad, where you feel like you don't have anybody to talk to or you can never find time alone because you're not being left alone, you're being held captive, look for solutions. Look for positive moments to where you can make that quick text message and ask the person to delete it or let them know that you're deleting it on your side, like Sarah did. She sent a text message but told them she was going to delete it. If you can make a quick phone call or if, even if you go run an errand to a store, drop a little note off to the cashier, there's always finding ways to get somebody to help you. There could be where you could put a note in a window, somewhere where somebody can happen to see it, go by and find that note. There's many ways of reaching out for a solution. Don't ever think that there's no hope, because there's always hope. And then when you manifest in a way by thinking about how you're going to make that exit or how you're going to get that help, and you constantly think about how it's going to happen, it could come about. There's positive ways to what you think about comes, and so if you're constantly thinking a negative and saying I can't or this won't happen, then it won't. But don't put yourself in that position. Put yourself in that okay, this is what I'm going to do. It may take a long time before you get help, but keep thinking the positive. Keep thinking of ways to where you can get that help.
Speaker 1:I know I've heard so many survivor stories. Don't ever give up. You know, no matter how long it takes, don't ever give up and always find solutions, even if it's a solution in your head for that moment, just find a solution and keep visualizing it. I believe, sarah, by you sending that text really saved your life that day, being quick on your feet and quick on your thoughts. Also, for those two days that he had you, there was things that you probably said to him or knew how to say to him to keep him calm. You use to those abilities and your own survival. Sometimes it takes that. Sometimes it takes us to get out of our own emotions and out of our own thoughts so that we can think of better solutions. So, sarah, thank you so much for sharing your story.
Speaker 1:I know your story is going to help so many people, especially when it comes to toxic relationships Like with my own. Mine wasn't as tragic as yours, but still at the beginning it still started the same way and I believe every relationship, when it becomes a toxic relationship, always starts the same way where we're thinking that this person is somebody who is amazing and kind, but where I think where we went wrong and I'm going to speak for myself. I think where I went wrong was I ignored the red flags. I ignored the red flags, thinking that I could fix him or thinking that maybe I was just thinking wrong or I ignored them. Don't ignore red flags. Many red flags probably should start walking away while you're still safe. Do you agree with me on that, sarah?
Speaker 3:Absolutely, and I think the I think, when I look back and I say what made that last time different? That something different happened when he was there. I really think it's having tools in my toolbox to be able to believe in myself, to be able to change my mindset and to feel confident that I could do something different. And if you're feeling like there's nothing that I can do at this point, building up those positive coping mechanisms and those tools in your toolkit, the more that you build them up and the more that you use them, the stronger they're going to get and the closer you can get to a resolution.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I totally agree with that 100%, and you're a phenomenal woman. You've been through a lot and I just wish you all the best. We're going to send everybody over to your podcast and anything else that you do in the future, please let us know. We want to be able to share that to everybody. I'm going to put the link to our podcast down below. If you liked this story or you want to hear more stories, please click subscribe and I hope you guys have a great day. Thank you, sarah. Thank you. Thank you.